Let me start by saying that I have not known very many people that have died. A few, but not many. So, I'm not exactly an expert on the subject. There are many people I know who are able to recount the feelings they had when someone they were close to ceased to be physically present in their lives. I know enough only to be sure that this is a difficult experience. But where I am well versed on the topic of death is much different than experience.
So here it is. I am afraid of death. I know I shouldn't be. As someone who believes in Jesus, I really shouldn't be. The Bible even says I shouldn't be. Yet, here I am.
Understand that I am slightly obsessive compulsive. Especially when it comes to certain things. That old saying, "better safe than sorry", I want to murder the guy who came up with that haunting phrase (which I suppose is appropriate considering the topic).
This idea of heaven and hell and "where will you end up when you die?" has torn me apart right to my core. Because I'd rather be safe than sorry in the realm of eternity. I've been to enough fire and brimstone church services that I'll be messed up for a long time. Maybe that is why I feel a sharp sense of disgust when I see these guys in black suits on the side of Davis Highway thumping their Bible at me. I know it's not their fault. They are just doing what they feel is right.
My issue is that I can't get a grasp of the guidelines involved to get into heaven. I sometimes imagine the pearly gates as a kind of nightclub where St. Peter is the bouncer. He wears dark sunglasses and is holding a trendy clipboard, checking off a list of names while a line forms out front. He's watching his ratios. This being the case, in the back of my mind there is this tiny voice.
"Are you sure you're right?" it says.
"What if you missed something"
"Maybe the KJV movement is onto something"
Sometimes it just makes me chuckle quietly to myself. Other times I am paralyzed with an existential crisis that shuts me down mentally. I'm not exagerating this. Total shutdown. Like when 007 or Macgyver pulls the right wire with 1 second left on the timer and the bomb is rendered useless. That's me.
Why am I telling you this? You see, despite my own struggle with the end, I believe in something better. I believe in a faith that is less concerned about getting a ticket to the eternal nightclub and more concerened about loving others, feeding the poor, and caring for the sick. Loving God is not a matter of what you get out of it. It's about giving something back.
Don't misunderstand me. I believe in the afterlife and heaven and hell. I really do. But I don't always agree with the presentation of the topic. I know of conversations had by myself and others dealing with eternity that were very loving and very real. They meant something. Those stories are too personal for me to share here, but it is important to note them. If you believe in God, these conversations are a reality of that faith.
God and I had a mental conversation recently. If you didn't read my recent entry about talking to God, then please note that I did not hear a booming voice from the sky. What did happen, when I was having one of these mental checks about the afterlife, was I felt a small nudging in the back of my head. It said, "I'm sorry." Then I thought, "what does God have to be sorry about?"
I think that for many years I had a slightly misguided perception of who God is. I don't blame him for it. I've just witnessed too many people try to frighten people into becoming a christian. I take issue with this. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of being afraid.
Maybe one day I'll write about the death I have experienced in my own life. Maybe one day I'll write about growing old and slowly losing control of your life. Maybe I'll even write about losing a mental grasp of reality. But right now I have only one thing to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you that live in fear because you worry more about eternal death than the precious life God has given to you. I'm sorry to those of you who feel you can't have a loving relationship with someone because they don't believe in God. Even more so, I'm sorry to those of you that mourn the loss of those who are close to you.
I'm sorry because I know the words of many people, who mutter the name of God in the same sentence, have not shown you a message of love but one of damnation.
There is obviously more to the topic of death than this. There is a very real discussion to be had about heaven and hell that I don't mean to downplay. There are conversations about motives and ends justifying the means and interpretation and blah blah blah.... But I'm not the right person for those conversations. Not yet at least. Just know that God loves you as you are. Now. Today. When Jesus talks in the gospels He doesn't say that the Kingdom of God will come when you die. He says that the Kingdom of God is at hand. That fact helps me set aside some of these worries.
So here it is. I am afraid of death. I know I shouldn't be. As someone who believes in Jesus, I really shouldn't be. The Bible even says I shouldn't be. Yet, here I am.
Understand that I am slightly obsessive compulsive. Especially when it comes to certain things. That old saying, "better safe than sorry", I want to murder the guy who came up with that haunting phrase (which I suppose is appropriate considering the topic).
This idea of heaven and hell and "where will you end up when you die?" has torn me apart right to my core. Because I'd rather be safe than sorry in the realm of eternity. I've been to enough fire and brimstone church services that I'll be messed up for a long time. Maybe that is why I feel a sharp sense of disgust when I see these guys in black suits on the side of Davis Highway thumping their Bible at me. I know it's not their fault. They are just doing what they feel is right.
My issue is that I can't get a grasp of the guidelines involved to get into heaven. I sometimes imagine the pearly gates as a kind of nightclub where St. Peter is the bouncer. He wears dark sunglasses and is holding a trendy clipboard, checking off a list of names while a line forms out front. He's watching his ratios. This being the case, in the back of my mind there is this tiny voice.
"Are you sure you're right?" it says.
"What if you missed something"
"Maybe the KJV movement is onto something"
Sometimes it just makes me chuckle quietly to myself. Other times I am paralyzed with an existential crisis that shuts me down mentally. I'm not exagerating this. Total shutdown. Like when 007 or Macgyver pulls the right wire with 1 second left on the timer and the bomb is rendered useless. That's me.
Why am I telling you this? You see, despite my own struggle with the end, I believe in something better. I believe in a faith that is less concerned about getting a ticket to the eternal nightclub and more concerened about loving others, feeding the poor, and caring for the sick. Loving God is not a matter of what you get out of it. It's about giving something back.
Don't misunderstand me. I believe in the afterlife and heaven and hell. I really do. But I don't always agree with the presentation of the topic. I know of conversations had by myself and others dealing with eternity that were very loving and very real. They meant something. Those stories are too personal for me to share here, but it is important to note them. If you believe in God, these conversations are a reality of that faith.
God and I had a mental conversation recently. If you didn't read my recent entry about talking to God, then please note that I did not hear a booming voice from the sky. What did happen, when I was having one of these mental checks about the afterlife, was I felt a small nudging in the back of my head. It said, "I'm sorry." Then I thought, "what does God have to be sorry about?"
I think that for many years I had a slightly misguided perception of who God is. I don't blame him for it. I've just witnessed too many people try to frighten people into becoming a christian. I take issue with this. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of being afraid.
Maybe one day I'll write about the death I have experienced in my own life. Maybe one day I'll write about growing old and slowly losing control of your life. Maybe I'll even write about losing a mental grasp of reality. But right now I have only one thing to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you that live in fear because you worry more about eternal death than the precious life God has given to you. I'm sorry to those of you who feel you can't have a loving relationship with someone because they don't believe in God. Even more so, I'm sorry to those of you that mourn the loss of those who are close to you.
I'm sorry because I know the words of many people, who mutter the name of God in the same sentence, have not shown you a message of love but one of damnation.
There is obviously more to the topic of death than this. There is a very real discussion to be had about heaven and hell that I don't mean to downplay. There are conversations about motives and ends justifying the means and interpretation and blah blah blah.... But I'm not the right person for those conversations. Not yet at least. Just know that God loves you as you are. Now. Today. When Jesus talks in the gospels He doesn't say that the Kingdom of God will come when you die. He says that the Kingdom of God is at hand. That fact helps me set aside some of these worries.
