If I Ran the Zoo

               This week I took my kids to the Zoo. Lucas has been a couple times but this was Kaede's first trip. Here in Pensacola we have two zoos within driving distance: one in Gulf Shores and one in Gulf Breeze. We opted for Gulf Shores which included a beautiful drive along the beach. The kids had a blast.

                Being a vegetarian, I have mixed feelings about zoos. Without wasting a lot of your time, let me just say one thing. I find it difficult to see animals behind cages. Granted, I have not seen 90% of these creatures in the wild, but I feel like there is something that is robbed from an animal that is not free to run. Take the lion, for example. We think of the lion as a beast that rules over other beasts. The "king" of the jungle. We have probably all watched National Geographic when a lion hunts down and kills a fleeing gazelle. To see the same power behind a chain link fence, confined to what is basically a jungle gym, takes some of the awe away from an animal so powerful.

                But this story is not about a lion. It is about a tiger and a goose.

                At the beginning of our zoo trip, Lucas spotted a bengal tiger across the lake at the entrance. We started in a different direction all the while listening to Lucas explain that he wanted to see the tiger. "We'll see the tiger in a little while, buddy," was not the correct response. However, he got over this by the time we made it to the reptile exhibit. An hour or so later we got to see the tigers.

                If you have been to a zoo, then you know that the most interesting thing you will usually see a tiger do is sleep. I have cats and that is how they spend the majority of their time as well. The Gulf Shores zoo has a total of six tigers and they were all apparently exhausted from a long day.

                What caught my attention happened when I noticed a tiger pacing along his fence, which is not unusual. But what was unusual was just outside the fence. There was a small white rabbit, enjoying a delicious vegetarian meal, and two white geese. The geese were clearly working on their tan because they were nestled into the grass. I thought to myself, "Wow! If I were a goose, the last place I would pick to take a relaxing nap would be next to the bengal tiger cage." But, there they were.

                I watched them for a little while. Took a couple photographs. Held Lucas up so he could see one of the tigers relaxing in some water. Then, as we were heading to the next exhibit, Lucas noticed the rabbit. Of course he wanted a closer look so we walked that direction. The rabbit, upon seeing the 3-year-old coming at him, darted in a different direction which caused the geese to also relocate. All of the excitement was too much for the tiger who began to pace about, watching the other animals intensely. That's when it happened. One of the geese turned around, rushed at the tiger, and let out a menacing hiss. That's right, the goose hissed at the tiger, and then went about its business. I was stunned.

                It's funny how captivity changes an animal. But to do something so outside of what I thought would be instict was rather odd. What I find more odd is my reaction to the event. See, I've been thinking about it and I can't decide if I am more like the goose or the tiger.

                First, take the goose. Here is an animal that should fear the tiger. The goose is lunch, after all. Yet, at the sight of something that the goose fears locked behind a fence, it is suddenly filled with courage. Strength. Power.

                Then, there is the tiger. The tiger should be in charge here. The goose probably would not have even seen the tiger until it was too late. The tiger is the predator. And still, as I watched this goose taunt such a powerful creature, the tiger was powerless to do anything. So an animal that the tiger would normally strike fear into now jests at the tiger.

                I have to admit, most of the time I feel like that tiger. I feel like I should be in total control of my surroundings. But sometimes the little things that I should not even bat an eye at rear their head and challenge me anyhow. And I feel powerless. I feel trapped behind chain links wishing to strike at what threatens me. But instead I just end up taking a long nap while people stop in for a minute and then head to the next exhibit.

                But, since I am being honest here, the mere fact that my fingers keep typing is proof that I am trying to change that. I have recently set a large goal in front of myself. First I told my wife about it, to make sure I wasn't totally crazy. Then I talked with a few of my close friends. Then I started telling everyone who asked. Now I can't back out of it, even though I sometimes want to. I set this goal bacause I'm scared that I can't do it.

                The point is, sometimes we have to do what scares us the most. We can't be afraid of mistakes and we can't be afraid to fail. Besides, if there is not a risk of failure then it is probably not worth doing. I sincerely do not feel capable of accomplishing my goal. However, since I intend on achieving success then I also intend to stare certain death in the face, pull back my shoulders, and charge.

Why I Love Weddings

               My friends Trevor and Brittany got married last week. I know everyone says this but their wedding was beautiful. We are all part of a small house church and everyone from our church showed up. The food was great, there was wine and dancing, and there were lots of friends. By the way, aren't they a cute couple?

                Trevor and I have a funny story of how we became close friends. We both knew each other when we were younger. I'm not exacty sure when we met but we we must have been around middle school. Maybe even earlier. We were never close friends but we knew who the other was. Later, we went to the same highschool but again we were never close even though Trevor was good friends with one of my best friendsand now brother-in-law, David. Then college and I moved away.

                When I moved back to Pensacola, Trevor and I would find each other at the same church. Seeing as we knew each other there was always "hey" and "what's up?" It wasn't until about a year later when Trevor wandered into one of my cigar Socials that we would become the good friends we are today.

                 Recounting this story with each other, Trevor told me that he thought I hated him when we reconnected at church. I thought Trevor was way too cool for school to hang out with a guyl ike me (I suppose he still is). Yet, here we are.

                I like to tell this story because Trevor and Brittany have a story that is somewhat similar, albiet much more romantic. Ok, maybe just a tiny bit similar. He tells this story better than I do so I'll only give you the highlights:

1. Trevor goes on a date with Brittany. Date goes poorly. Brittany declines date #2. Trevor is sad.
    
2. God tells Trevor to pursue Brittany. Trevor tells God that He is crazy. Trevor is rejected by Brittany many times. Trevor is sad.
   
3. Many years go by. Trevor and Brittany share a magical kiss. They fall in love. Trevor is happy.

                I hope I didn't screw that up too bad, guys.

                My wife and I have a similar story, too. A story in which I sought after her for a long time before we were finally brought together. I finally got my girl just like he did.

                 We love these stories, don't we? Hollywood has made a lot of money selling us these stories. Maybe I need to sell this story?

                As you may have guessed, this narrative also shows up in the Bible. Tell me if it sounds familiar. God and man are together in a garden. Man rejects God. God and man spend many years trying to reconnect. Thousands of years. Maybe millions. Then, one fateful day God is reunited with man as a man, Jesus. Finally, Jesus is murdered so that man can once again know God. It is the greatest love story.

                Weddings always remind me of this. I can't help it but I'm a true romantic at heart. There is a reason Jesus refers to his people as the Bride of Christ. And there is a reason that Jesus tells so many stories about weddings, brides, and bridegrooms. God is pursuing us and no amount of us running away is going to change His mind.

                I'm happy for my friends and I am happy that I could attend their wedding. I very easily could have written off Trevor as a friend just as easily as he could have given up on the love of his life. In the same way, a perfect God could have easily said, "Screw these people. I'm out of here." Thankfully, this is not the way God operates. He doesn't give up on us no matter how many times we mess up. Like the story of the prodigal son, He is always waiting for us to come back home. And when we do, there will be a wedding.


*I wish I could take credit for these amazing photographs. However, they were take by the crew at Cook Images. Check out their site:
www.cookimages.com

Collecting Stories Hidden In Smoke

                When people ask me what type of writing I do, I tell them that I collect stories. Which is true. I’ve spent the last 6 years or so sitting on my back porch surrounded by a cloud of smoke, sharing thoughts with my friends. The truth is, I don’t have many original thoughts in my head. But I suppose that I’ve always been a good listener which counts for something.

                The trouble with what I do is that it seems easy. It’s not at all difficult to sit behind a laptop punching buttons marked with letters to form words and sentences. It’s usually pretty simple to recount the things that have been told to me over the years. Sure there is a small amount of effort involved. Plus there is the time spent and the effort of turning off the television long enough to form coherent thoughts. I sure do look like I know what I’m doing.

                Do you want to know the truth? Honestly?

The reality of my situation is that I live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I sometimes wonder why I believe some of the things that I do.  I worry that every thought I’ve ever had will amount to nothing at all. I ask questions but sometimes don’t want to know the answers. I don’t live up to expectations.

I’m afraid that I may have gotten it all wrong.

I suppose it would not be a stretch to assume someone could read my words and think that I speak from a position of authority. It would be equally as likely for someone to assume I’m full of it. But I think we often project an image onto people based on their position. Politicians, celebrities, pastors. It comes up more often in churches and religious institutions. We think that because someone is a pastor or worship leader that they have it all figured out. Their lives must be pretty great. The reality is that most of the time they are more screwed up than the rest of us. And I would know. I’ve talked with a lot of them.

I don’t mean to be critical of anyone. I simply want to take a few moments to examine myself in a way that may be constructive for others. Because I don’t have it figured out. I have conversations with a lot of people who are lost, confused, and downright pissed off with the way things are in churches or their own lives. What always stands out to me though is that many of them think there is something wrong with them when they have these thoughts. They think that they should have the answers. Not have doubts. Not be afraid.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. I ask the hard questions all the time. Because I do not know the answers. I have doubts. I am afraid. Most of the time, I am depressed and feel a deep sense of pain in regards to where I am in life. You may be feeling some of these thoughts yourself. And that is ok.

My friend Charlie told me, “Knowing that you’re ignorant is the first step to finding something out. Ignorance of ignorance is the real problem.” I am comforted in a strange way by the fact that I am not as smart as I may come across sometimes. I think that admitting that we have a lot to learn opens us up to learning more. Especially about God. If we knew everything about God then He probably wouldn’t be that interesting. The more we question ourselves and humble ourselves, the more He can show us. And I like that idea.

 

When all is said and done, I only write with any kind of authority because I have listened to people’s stories. I have paid attention when my friends have told me the questions that they have had the courage to ask. I have been told of failures and the lessons learned from those experiences. I also have learned the lessons of my own failures. Hopefully, we can keep asking the difficult questions. I want to turn my own anxieties into something constructive and stop being afraid of what I don’t know. If you are looking for answers, I probably don’t have them. But I will keep telling stories and maybe we can find answers together.

 

A Quick Thought

                When I was a kid, one of my favorite cartoon characters was Sonic the Hedgehog. He was who got me interested in reading comic books. Not Spider-man or Batman or the Fantastic Four. He was my gateway drug of sorts. Flash forward to today. Since I work overnight, Alyson said I need to be in the sun more. Clearly she is right, so I decided to start running. I wonder now whether Sonic ever ran for fun or exercised even. Seeing as how he had to run so often to defeat Dr. Robotnik. Maybe during his off time he enjoyed sitting still.

                What I have learned to love about running is the solitude. I like running with people as well, but I take great joy in being alone with nothing but miles ahead of me. I don’t think everyone should take up running, but I do think that everyone should have time to just think. It’s very therapeutic.

There is something that can’t quite be described that happens to you when you are alone with your own thoughts. Sometimes you find understanding and sometimes you find more questions. Sometimes you dream and sometimes you reflect. No matter what I end up thinking about, I almost always feel like I accomplished a little something.

The Bible tells us that we should reflect on God’s word. I used to think this meant that I was supposed to read my Bible every day, a habit I was never great at keeping. But, when was the last time you just thought about God? I often take something that I have read a thousand times and just think about it. What does it mean? Why was it written down in the first place? What sort of personal context have I added to this passage over the years? How is God represented here? It is a lot easier to read words on paper but it takes work to chew on it and let it seep in.

If we simply fill our heads with information but never process it, what good are we accomplishing? I find it much more interesting to contribute to a conversation that has been taking place for thousands of years. I wonder what Sonic is thinking about when he’s running?

By the way, here is the view from my 5 mile run today.

On a separate note, I have decided to go see the remake of the Evil Dead. I am both terrified of the film itself and terrified that one of my favorite movies ever is about to be ruined. If you’ve seen it, drop a comment and let me know what you thought of it (no spoilers please). As Doug Benson would say, this movie is not for emetophobes. Thanks Doug.

 




For all the science nerds reading this, here is a video I came across a while back that I enjoyed. It discusses the physics behind Sonic the Hedgehog. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYFpAeqaCrw

UPDATE: I went to see Evil Dead. Thought the film was wonderful and true to the original while still telling a unique story. Also, you should not see this film if you are the least be squeamish. It is truly terrifying. 

 

Love and the Moment

                In my experience, when you are falling in love you tend to live in the moment. You don’t process most of what occurs until after the fact. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and it still blows my mind that we are together at all. Not because of any particular reason other than how circumstances worked in our favor to cause our paths to cross. I’m not talking about fate here. I’m talking about specific events and their effect on our personal relationships.

                I got to thinking about this because I was listening to Chicago by Sufjan Stephens. In the song, Stephens talks about some of the places he visited and how those places changed his life over time. The subtle implication is a parallel with salvation and how God changes us from who we used to be into something new. This caught my attention.

                I have always thought of salvation as being this moment that happens. Maybe you know the drill. You say a prayer, ask Jesus into your heart, and POW! You’re a Christian. Born again. Saved. I’ve talked to many people who can remember the exact time and place that they did this. They know where they were, what they said, etc… I have often felt like I am missing out on something because I don’t know these details. I can’t remember anything about it. Yet this is such an important moment if you’re a Christian. It’s the moment that you become a new creation. Right?

   I’m starting to wonder if there is something more that is happening.

                Thinking of how I fell in love with my wife, I can remember the exact moment when I knew I was in love. We were in her car, a 1986 Volvo, and we had just gone for a walk on the beach. Just the two of us trying to spend some time together. When we got back in the car from our walk, she leaned over and kissed me then said that she had something to tell me. I knew exactly what she was about to say and I knew at that moment that I loved her too. It is a moment that I’ll never forget. But what I realize now is that I loved her before we said it out loud. I had loved her for a long time. But it wasn’t until that exact second, looking into her eyes, that I became aware that it was true.

                You see, falling in love is not something that happens when you say the words. In fact, I’m sure that many of us have told someone we love them when it may not have been true. As you spend time with someone, share life with someone, and get to know someone on a deeper level, you fall in love over a period of time. It is something that changes you. But there is still a moment when you realize it’s true. When you express this feeling with words. Because our relationship with Jesus is just that: a relationship. I speculate that it may work the same way. As you get to know the person of Jesus and build a relationship with Him, that is when you are falling in love. And then there comes a moment when you realize that it’s true. There is a moment when you feel the need to express that love in words. This sparks an interesting question: when did you get saved? Did it happen the moment you prayed a prayer?

                I only ask this question because I want to better understand the transformation that happens in the life of a Christian. Having a relationship with Christ implies that you know Him on some level. So, if you just say a few words but they have no meaning, then it doesn’t seem like love to me. It can’t be a magic spell that grants you admittance into heaven. Salvation is a change in who you are. Actually becoming a new creation. Something different than what you were before. As we get to know Jesus, He changes our hearts in a similar way to when we fall in love. Our priorities begin to change. We begin to care more about someone other than ourselves.

                Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that the moment that you ask Jesus to save you is not important. In fact, it is deeply important. After all, what would it be like if you got married but never told your significant other that you loved them? But I want to believe that salvation is deeper and more special than we may have previously made it out to be. The moment you pray that prayer is when you come to the realization that you are in love with your Creator. It is the moment when you realize that you have been cultivating a deep relationship and that you may in fact be in a place that you didn’t even realize you had reached. You may have fallen in love.


Listen to Chicago by Sufjan Stevens at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azGIf74ICmw

The Dangers of Loving Others?

                My friend Zach is often taken advantage of but not because he is gullible or unintelligent. This happens because he is that good of a person. If I'm being honest, he sometimes makes me feel a little like a jerk by comparison. Zach simply feels a need to help people in need.

                One time Zach and I were at a gas station. A guy came up and asked for gas money. He and a friend were trying to get somewhere, I can't remember. Zach gave the guy $5. Next thing we know, the guy gets in a car with another guy and they drive off laughing. Another time, I saw Zach give money to a guy on a street corner. 10 minutes later, we drove by the same corner and saw the guy sitting on the same curb with a beer. Zach was robbed twice by a homeless man that he let sleep in his house (for more about this story, visit the link at the bottom). I can't help but ask myself how he continues to give when presented with these disheartening results.

                My own stories have a slightly different overtone. One time, a homeless man approached me in a Subway parking lot and asked if I would buy him a meal. I said I was sorry that I couldn't help him, but the truth was that I just couldn't be bothered at the moment. At other times, I have avoided people I knew were living on the streets because I wanted to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation with someone who might be a little bit crazy. I also used to have a personal rule to never give money to the homeless, only food so they could not buy beer or cigarettes.

                So, whose story is better?

                Let me present one last story. I was in Burger King with my family. While waiting in line, a woman walked in with her young son. She was dressed somewhat provocatively which automatically made me begin to draw a conclusion to the type of person she might be. But she came in followed by a man in a wheelchair. Coincidently they sat at the table next to ours and I began to realize what was happing at their table. She had seen the man, who was homeless, out by the side of the road. She invited him into the restaurant and not only bought him a hot meal but also sat at the table and ate with him. They said a prayer for their food and told each other stories about themselves just like they were new friends. I couldn't believe it. I felt so ashamed because I realized that I would probably never do something like that. And here was this woman, following one of God's greatest commandments while teaching her son to do the same by example.

                We tend to think of the homeless as needy. Needy in a way that requires shelter, food, warmth, or clothing. We avoid giving these things because we don't want people to take advantage of us. We don't want to be duped. We feel that we can't trust those we fear and don't understand. But, I'm coming to realize that there is more to it than this. What if people are needy in a different way?

                The needy don't always need to be given things in a conventional sense. They need to be shown God's love. That's what Jesus commands us to do, after all. Who says that the right thing to do isn't to buy a homeless man a pack of cigarettes? Who says you can't buy an alcoholic a beer when he or she is shaking from pain and withdrawal? But let me take it even further than that.

                There is a relational component that gets lost when we encounter the homeless, drifters, and others on the streets. Maybe a lot of it has to do with the environment that we meet in: traffic intersections, underpasses, parking lots. Or maybe, we just can't be bothered with that part of it. Sure, there is a certain level of risk that you take when dealing with needy persons, but is that risk worth following one of God's greatest commands. Maybe we need to spend more time getting to know people. Talking to them, having lunch with them, sharing our stories with them. That's all some people are looking for. Someone to listen to them. Someone to actually care about them.

                 Taking chances is part of what makes love what it is. Loving unconditionally means that you stop thinking about how the outcome will affect you. For every time that my friend Zach has had a bad experience, he has also seen someone blessed by his actions and therefore seen God's love. That's what keeps him from giving up on people. The good that he has done outweighs the deception that has been dealt to him and he doesn’t regret a thing. That is one of the things that I admire about him. He is not afraid to pay the price of making the world a little bit better. I have realized how few people I have loved because I was afraid of the risks. And I'm learning to stop being afraid.

                I recently had an interesting conversation with a man who was hitchhiking from Naples, FL to New Orleans. He had been sleeping outside in the cold and had been to several churches asking for help. This is where I met him. He told me about how many pastors had sent him away, asked him for money, and in one case had him arrested. Then he said, "If God is like that, then fuck God. I don't even want to meet him." It makes me wonder how many people have a poor impression of God because I couldn't be bothered.

                Jesus ate and drank with the people that others wanted nothing to do with. Then he told us that whatever we do to the least of these, we also do to Him. He also told us the story of the Good Samaritan. Something I seem to forget about that story is how the man who was beaten feels at the end. He probably leaves this story with a very different perspective on who God is and how we relate to each other. I for one am trying not to make the same mistakes again.

 

Zach’s story is at:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jfre3/iama_guy_who_let_a_homeless_guy_stay_at_my/

Searching For Peace

                Lately I have been thinking a lot about the word "peace" and what that means exactly. I feel that I have taken this word for granted in that I have always assumed a good grasp on its definition. However, the more I think of how the word applies to my life and the lives of those around me, the more I begin to question my own understanding of the word. Here are some thoughts I have on the subject:

                The first thing that comes to mind when I think of peace is the word "rest". I imagine a sea that is amidst a raging storm and, in this instance, peace would be when the waves come to a rest. When the sea becomes still. This is not only a metaphor used in scripture but also something that we see Jesus actually do. After all, He is supposed to be the Prince of Peace. Yet, for me, I can't seem to find rest at the moment. And even though I consider myself to be a follower of Jesus, I'm not quite sure how to find peace. For me, the sea continues to rage.

                Recently, I heard a story of a man who called himself the Peace Pilgrim. He adopted the name from a woman who traveled around the country with no possessions for over 22 years trusting that God would provide for her. Her successor, the new Peace Pilgrim, set out on his own journey and lasted three days before he gave up and went back to his own life. This is interesting because he was on a journey for peace but found his situation to be too overwhelming for him to continue. Even though he did not accomplish what he set out to do, he ended his journey no longer troubled by the worries that caused him to begin his trek This begs the question, did he give up on peace or did he find peace? (For the full story of the Peace Pilgrim, listen to This American Life #483) http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/483/self-improvement-kick

                Also recently, I had a discussion with a friend of mine. He was recounting his own struggle of finding peace. He could not reconcile all the bad things we face as people with his own thoughts on Christian spirituality. He told me that he was no longer concerned with whether or not he went to heaven or hell. That his only concern was to follow Jesus teachings by loving others and showing them God's love. He asked me if I thought he was still a Christian. The question still puzzles me as I type these words. Because to me, there is something liberating about not concerning yourself with the truly unknown, but at the same time, my friend is deeply troubled and not at all feeling rest from the thoughts going through his head.

                So, one of my favorite books of the Bible is Ecclesiastes. It is a fascinating book in that it almost seems to be contradictory of itself. The author continually tells us that all endeavors we may undertake are meaningless. Some translations use the word "futile" or "striving after the wind", or that everything is like "vapor". Yet, the author then turns around to tell us that we should enjoy life and the gifts that God has given us. Even though he just told us that it was meaningless. So which is it?

                There are two types of things, according to Ecclesiastes. There are things that are finite. You, me, the world we live in, everything under the sun. Then, there is God who is infinite. My friend who asked me about his own salvation, he also asked me why Jesus is important. And the same with my understanding of peace, I think I have taken for granted the importance of Jesus amongst all the things that we talk about as Christians. Jesus is the hope that we can have peace. If everything is meaningless, then nothing we do on earth will ever amount to anything more than what happens when it happens. Then, like vapor, it vanishes in the wind. Yet, Jesus gives us the hope that heaven can indeed exist here on earth. That maybe we can bring a little bit of the infinite here to the finite.

                So for me, I still find it hard to let my mind be at ease. Emotional peace still seems like a distant relative of mine that I see once every few years at the family reunion. Someone I care about deeply but not someone I ever get to know very well. At the same time, I feel at ease knowing that Jesus is bringing peace into my life. I feel the waves becoming calm even as they continue to crash over the side of the boat. That thought I can take comfort in. I’ve tried to stop worrying about finding peace, and all the other things that pass like vapor, and start thinking about what God is doing in my life and how that effects my relationship with Him and those around me. Peace only comes when you give up trying to accomplish it on your own and let God bring peace to your life. After all, He is called the Prince of Peace.