Awe and Wonder

Lucas knows the air museum better than I do. He holds my hand and pulls me along to his favorite exhibits. Under Lake Michigan. Old Pensacola. The mock aircraft carrier. The moon display. And, of course, the Blue Angels. Each destination, though he has visited them many times, brings a glow of excitement to his face. He is filled with awe and wonder at the sight of the aircraft. Each one worn from years of soaring high. Now resting still under bright lights.

When I was a boy I used to dream about flying. I would watch Top Gun and wish I was piloting an f-14 Tomcat and buzzing the tower. I read a book about the Wright Brothers and thought about building my own bicycle, thinking this would somehow get me a step closer to flight. My wife had the same problem. She wanted to be the first female Blue Angel pilot.

Today I watch Star Trek and dream of boldly going where no man has gone before. I always grab the window seat when I fly commercially. I still watch the Blue Angels practice from my front lawn. I take photographs of tiny airplane models under glass.

I remember this time when I was in Central Florida. I bought a car in Tampa and was driving it back to Orlando down Interstate 4. Out of nowhere, a WWII era prop plane dashed over the busy road. I could have crashed the car the way I was straining to see it.

In the Bible, there is a book called Exodus that tells the story of Israel being held as slaves by Egypt. God performed many miracles through a man named Moses in order to set them free. From there, they traveled through the desert in search of a land that God had promised to them. Yet, no matter how many times God helped them on their journey, no matter how many miracles He performed, it seemed that they always lost sight of how powerful their God was. Few remained convinced that God would meet their needs.

Throughout Biblical history, the same story continues to repeat itself. God does something great and then His people forget it ever happened. Aldous Huxley said, "That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history."

Watching my son marvel at these works of aviation reminds me of how I felt as a kid. And though I will probably never fly a plane or land a spacecraft on some distant planet, I still have that feeling in my gut that there is something truly magical about flight. I hope I never lose the awe and wonder of a child watching the wheels of a plane separate from the Earth.

There is a Psalm, number 126, that says,

When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us;
We are glad.

Restore our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the South. Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

In the same way, I hope I never take for granted the awesome things that God has done. Like airplanes at rest, displayed under bright lights.

 

Finding Who We Are

               Lately I have been thinking about hearing from God. Growing up in a religious environment it was always explained that you needed to sit and be still then you could hear what God was trying to say to you. Trust me when I say that I spend a lot of time just sitting and listening. Even so, I haven't been able to make out exactly what God has been trying to tell me. A few days ago, however, a question popped into my head. Am I not able to hear God's voice or is he not saying what I want him to say?

                This question caught me off guard because I knew the answer as soon as I asked it. I just didn't know what that meant for me and I still didn't know what God was trying to tell me.

                Quick back story. A little over a year ago, I had a beer with a friend of mine that I had not seen in a while. We used to go to church together and he had left a job to start his own company. I wanted to know more about it. He started by reminded me about a silly worship song we used to play at our church called "Finding Who We Are". The verse began:


In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

               He explained to me how that was his problem. His life had always lacked direction and focus. He didn't know exactly who he was. That's why he had started this company. He felt like this was closer to what God wanted for his life. Of course, I was excited for him and admired his decision. But that left me in a similar situation. Because I didn't know who I was.

                So Alyson and I doubled down. Over that next year we left a church, I quit playing music, I almost left my job, on top of having our little girl, Kaede. I fasted for the first time ever which was quite an experience. We helped start a house church while watching another church die. Yet as much as I listened I never felt like I knew what God was doing to me. Confusion is an understatement.

                Back to my original question. Was I just not hearing from God, or was He not giving me the answer I wanted Him to give?

                A youth pastor I knew used to say this verse all the time to his teens.

Matthew 6:33 (NASB)
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

                He used to explain how that verse is often translated as "Put God first and He will give you whatever you want." Then he would translate it a different way. "Put God first and He will give you everything that you never knew you wanted."

                See, I think Christians have a problem. I think we use the Bible to try and tell God what to do. Like when a kid doesn't get what he/she wants and says to their father, "But you promised." I will let you imagine the exaggerated tone. We forget that when Jesus asked His disciples to give up everything and follow Him, what He meant was everything. That includes all the plans we had before he came along. When you follow Jesus, you can't just live out your life as if little has changed. Everything changes.

                That brings me here. Another thing I think we Christians do is to imagine this Holy purpose that God has placed on our lives. We spend so much time trying to figure out what it is that we were meant for. And I agree. I think God has a purpose for all of us. But I have spent so much time trying to find my purpose that I forgot to listen to what God was trying to tell me. He was telling me to seek Him first. Make the desire of my heart Him. After that, then He would give me purpose.

                I suppose that this works out differently for everyone. My friend who started his company has made quite a journey since then, and I envy him. As for me, the more I seek after God the more He seems to make me content with where I'm at in life. Things are going well and God seems to be giving me new opportunities that I was not looking for. Things I was running from. And I feel good about that.

                I doubt I'll ever be one of those people who hears the audible voice of God Almighty bellowing from heaven. But I think the more I learn who God is the more i recognize His leading in my life. His voice in all of this.


　
 Matthew 6:30-33 (The Message)
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

If I Ran the Zoo

               This week I took my kids to the Zoo. Lucas has been a couple times but this was Kaede's first trip. Here in Pensacola we have two zoos within driving distance: one in Gulf Shores and one in Gulf Breeze. We opted for Gulf Shores which included a beautiful drive along the beach. The kids had a blast.

                Being a vegetarian, I have mixed feelings about zoos. Without wasting a lot of your time, let me just say one thing. I find it difficult to see animals behind cages. Granted, I have not seen 90% of these creatures in the wild, but I feel like there is something that is robbed from an animal that is not free to run. Take the lion, for example. We think of the lion as a beast that rules over other beasts. The "king" of the jungle. We have probably all watched National Geographic when a lion hunts down and kills a fleeing gazelle. To see the same power behind a chain link fence, confined to what is basically a jungle gym, takes some of the awe away from an animal so powerful.

                But this story is not about a lion. It is about a tiger and a goose.

                At the beginning of our zoo trip, Lucas spotted a bengal tiger across the lake at the entrance. We started in a different direction all the while listening to Lucas explain that he wanted to see the tiger. "We'll see the tiger in a little while, buddy," was not the correct response. However, he got over this by the time we made it to the reptile exhibit. An hour or so later we got to see the tigers.

                If you have been to a zoo, then you know that the most interesting thing you will usually see a tiger do is sleep. I have cats and that is how they spend the majority of their time as well. The Gulf Shores zoo has a total of six tigers and they were all apparently exhausted from a long day.

                What caught my attention happened when I noticed a tiger pacing along his fence, which is not unusual. But what was unusual was just outside the fence. There was a small white rabbit, enjoying a delicious vegetarian meal, and two white geese. The geese were clearly working on their tan because they were nestled into the grass. I thought to myself, "Wow! If I were a goose, the last place I would pick to take a relaxing nap would be next to the bengal tiger cage." But, there they were.

                I watched them for a little while. Took a couple photographs. Held Lucas up so he could see one of the tigers relaxing in some water. Then, as we were heading to the next exhibit, Lucas noticed the rabbit. Of course he wanted a closer look so we walked that direction. The rabbit, upon seeing the 3-year-old coming at him, darted in a different direction which caused the geese to also relocate. All of the excitement was too much for the tiger who began to pace about, watching the other animals intensely. That's when it happened. One of the geese turned around, rushed at the tiger, and let out a menacing hiss. That's right, the goose hissed at the tiger, and then went about its business. I was stunned.

                It's funny how captivity changes an animal. But to do something so outside of what I thought would be instict was rather odd. What I find more odd is my reaction to the event. See, I've been thinking about it and I can't decide if I am more like the goose or the tiger.

                First, take the goose. Here is an animal that should fear the tiger. The goose is lunch, after all. Yet, at the sight of something that the goose fears locked behind a fence, it is suddenly filled with courage. Strength. Power.

                Then, there is the tiger. The tiger should be in charge here. The goose probably would not have even seen the tiger until it was too late. The tiger is the predator. And still, as I watched this goose taunt such a powerful creature, the tiger was powerless to do anything. So an animal that the tiger would normally strike fear into now jests at the tiger.

                I have to admit, most of the time I feel like that tiger. I feel like I should be in total control of my surroundings. But sometimes the little things that I should not even bat an eye at rear their head and challenge me anyhow. And I feel powerless. I feel trapped behind chain links wishing to strike at what threatens me. But instead I just end up taking a long nap while people stop in for a minute and then head to the next exhibit.

                But, since I am being honest here, the mere fact that my fingers keep typing is proof that I am trying to change that. I have recently set a large goal in front of myself. First I told my wife about it, to make sure I wasn't totally crazy. Then I talked with a few of my close friends. Then I started telling everyone who asked. Now I can't back out of it, even though I sometimes want to. I set this goal bacause I'm scared that I can't do it.

                The point is, sometimes we have to do what scares us the most. We can't be afraid of mistakes and we can't be afraid to fail. Besides, if there is not a risk of failure then it is probably not worth doing. I sincerely do not feel capable of accomplishing my goal. However, since I intend on achieving success then I also intend to stare certain death in the face, pull back my shoulders, and charge.

Why I Love Weddings

               My friends Trevor and Brittany got married last week. I know everyone says this but their wedding was beautiful. We are all part of a small house church and everyone from our church showed up. The food was great, there was wine and dancing, and there were lots of friends. By the way, aren't they a cute couple?

                Trevor and I have a funny story of how we became close friends. We both knew each other when we were younger. I'm not exacty sure when we met but we we must have been around middle school. Maybe even earlier. We were never close friends but we knew who the other was. Later, we went to the same highschool but again we were never close even though Trevor was good friends with one of my best friendsand now brother-in-law, David. Then college and I moved away.

                When I moved back to Pensacola, Trevor and I would find each other at the same church. Seeing as we knew each other there was always "hey" and "what's up?" It wasn't until about a year later when Trevor wandered into one of my cigar Socials that we would become the good friends we are today.

                 Recounting this story with each other, Trevor told me that he thought I hated him when we reconnected at church. I thought Trevor was way too cool for school to hang out with a guyl ike me (I suppose he still is). Yet, here we are.

                I like to tell this story because Trevor and Brittany have a story that is somewhat similar, albiet much more romantic. Ok, maybe just a tiny bit similar. He tells this story better than I do so I'll only give you the highlights:

1. Trevor goes on a date with Brittany. Date goes poorly. Brittany declines date #2. Trevor is sad.
    
2. God tells Trevor to pursue Brittany. Trevor tells God that He is crazy. Trevor is rejected by Brittany many times. Trevor is sad.
   
3. Many years go by. Trevor and Brittany share a magical kiss. They fall in love. Trevor is happy.

                I hope I didn't screw that up too bad, guys.

                My wife and I have a similar story, too. A story in which I sought after her for a long time before we were finally brought together. I finally got my girl just like he did.

                 We love these stories, don't we? Hollywood has made a lot of money selling us these stories. Maybe I need to sell this story?

                As you may have guessed, this narrative also shows up in the Bible. Tell me if it sounds familiar. God and man are together in a garden. Man rejects God. God and man spend many years trying to reconnect. Thousands of years. Maybe millions. Then, one fateful day God is reunited with man as a man, Jesus. Finally, Jesus is murdered so that man can once again know God. It is the greatest love story.

                Weddings always remind me of this. I can't help it but I'm a true romantic at heart. There is a reason Jesus refers to his people as the Bride of Christ. And there is a reason that Jesus tells so many stories about weddings, brides, and bridegrooms. God is pursuing us and no amount of us running away is going to change His mind.

                I'm happy for my friends and I am happy that I could attend their wedding. I very easily could have written off Trevor as a friend just as easily as he could have given up on the love of his life. In the same way, a perfect God could have easily said, "Screw these people. I'm out of here." Thankfully, this is not the way God operates. He doesn't give up on us no matter how many times we mess up. Like the story of the prodigal son, He is always waiting for us to come back home. And when we do, there will be a wedding.


*I wish I could take credit for these amazing photographs. However, they were take by the crew at Cook Images. Check out their site:
www.cookimages.com

Collecting Stories Hidden In Smoke

                When people ask me what type of writing I do, I tell them that I collect stories. Which is true. I’ve spent the last 6 years or so sitting on my back porch surrounded by a cloud of smoke, sharing thoughts with my friends. The truth is, I don’t have many original thoughts in my head. But I suppose that I’ve always been a good listener which counts for something.

                The trouble with what I do is that it seems easy. It’s not at all difficult to sit behind a laptop punching buttons marked with letters to form words and sentences. It’s usually pretty simple to recount the things that have been told to me over the years. Sure there is a small amount of effort involved. Plus there is the time spent and the effort of turning off the television long enough to form coherent thoughts. I sure do look like I know what I’m doing.

                Do you want to know the truth? Honestly?

The reality of my situation is that I live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I sometimes wonder why I believe some of the things that I do.  I worry that every thought I’ve ever had will amount to nothing at all. I ask questions but sometimes don’t want to know the answers. I don’t live up to expectations.

I’m afraid that I may have gotten it all wrong.

I suppose it would not be a stretch to assume someone could read my words and think that I speak from a position of authority. It would be equally as likely for someone to assume I’m full of it. But I think we often project an image onto people based on their position. Politicians, celebrities, pastors. It comes up more often in churches and religious institutions. We think that because someone is a pastor or worship leader that they have it all figured out. Their lives must be pretty great. The reality is that most of the time they are more screwed up than the rest of us. And I would know. I’ve talked with a lot of them.

I don’t mean to be critical of anyone. I simply want to take a few moments to examine myself in a way that may be constructive for others. Because I don’t have it figured out. I have conversations with a lot of people who are lost, confused, and downright pissed off with the way things are in churches or their own lives. What always stands out to me though is that many of them think there is something wrong with them when they have these thoughts. They think that they should have the answers. Not have doubts. Not be afraid.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. I ask the hard questions all the time. Because I do not know the answers. I have doubts. I am afraid. Most of the time, I am depressed and feel a deep sense of pain in regards to where I am in life. You may be feeling some of these thoughts yourself. And that is ok.

My friend Charlie told me, “Knowing that you’re ignorant is the first step to finding something out. Ignorance of ignorance is the real problem.” I am comforted in a strange way by the fact that I am not as smart as I may come across sometimes. I think that admitting that we have a lot to learn opens us up to learning more. Especially about God. If we knew everything about God then He probably wouldn’t be that interesting. The more we question ourselves and humble ourselves, the more He can show us. And I like that idea.

 

When all is said and done, I only write with any kind of authority because I have listened to people’s stories. I have paid attention when my friends have told me the questions that they have had the courage to ask. I have been told of failures and the lessons learned from those experiences. I also have learned the lessons of my own failures. Hopefully, we can keep asking the difficult questions. I want to turn my own anxieties into something constructive and stop being afraid of what I don’t know. If you are looking for answers, I probably don’t have them. But I will keep telling stories and maybe we can find answers together.

 

A Quick Thought

                When I was a kid, one of my favorite cartoon characters was Sonic the Hedgehog. He was who got me interested in reading comic books. Not Spider-man or Batman or the Fantastic Four. He was my gateway drug of sorts. Flash forward to today. Since I work overnight, Alyson said I need to be in the sun more. Clearly she is right, so I decided to start running. I wonder now whether Sonic ever ran for fun or exercised even. Seeing as how he had to run so often to defeat Dr. Robotnik. Maybe during his off time he enjoyed sitting still.

                What I have learned to love about running is the solitude. I like running with people as well, but I take great joy in being alone with nothing but miles ahead of me. I don’t think everyone should take up running, but I do think that everyone should have time to just think. It’s very therapeutic.

There is something that can’t quite be described that happens to you when you are alone with your own thoughts. Sometimes you find understanding and sometimes you find more questions. Sometimes you dream and sometimes you reflect. No matter what I end up thinking about, I almost always feel like I accomplished a little something.

The Bible tells us that we should reflect on God’s word. I used to think this meant that I was supposed to read my Bible every day, a habit I was never great at keeping. But, when was the last time you just thought about God? I often take something that I have read a thousand times and just think about it. What does it mean? Why was it written down in the first place? What sort of personal context have I added to this passage over the years? How is God represented here? It is a lot easier to read words on paper but it takes work to chew on it and let it seep in.

If we simply fill our heads with information but never process it, what good are we accomplishing? I find it much more interesting to contribute to a conversation that has been taking place for thousands of years. I wonder what Sonic is thinking about when he’s running?

By the way, here is the view from my 5 mile run today.

On a separate note, I have decided to go see the remake of the Evil Dead. I am both terrified of the film itself and terrified that one of my favorite movies ever is about to be ruined. If you’ve seen it, drop a comment and let me know what you thought of it (no spoilers please). As Doug Benson would say, this movie is not for emetophobes. Thanks Doug.

 




For all the science nerds reading this, here is a video I came across a while back that I enjoyed. It discusses the physics behind Sonic the Hedgehog. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYFpAeqaCrw

UPDATE: I went to see Evil Dead. Thought the film was wonderful and true to the original while still telling a unique story. Also, you should not see this film if you are the least be squeamish. It is truly terrifying. 

 

Love and the Moment

                In my experience, when you are falling in love you tend to live in the moment. You don’t process most of what occurs until after the fact. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and it still blows my mind that we are together at all. Not because of any particular reason other than how circumstances worked in our favor to cause our paths to cross. I’m not talking about fate here. I’m talking about specific events and their effect on our personal relationships.

                I got to thinking about this because I was listening to Chicago by Sufjan Stephens. In the song, Stephens talks about some of the places he visited and how those places changed his life over time. The subtle implication is a parallel with salvation and how God changes us from who we used to be into something new. This caught my attention.

                I have always thought of salvation as being this moment that happens. Maybe you know the drill. You say a prayer, ask Jesus into your heart, and POW! You’re a Christian. Born again. Saved. I’ve talked to many people who can remember the exact time and place that they did this. They know where they were, what they said, etc… I have often felt like I am missing out on something because I don’t know these details. I can’t remember anything about it. Yet this is such an important moment if you’re a Christian. It’s the moment that you become a new creation. Right?

   I’m starting to wonder if there is something more that is happening.

                Thinking of how I fell in love with my wife, I can remember the exact moment when I knew I was in love. We were in her car, a 1986 Volvo, and we had just gone for a walk on the beach. Just the two of us trying to spend some time together. When we got back in the car from our walk, she leaned over and kissed me then said that she had something to tell me. I knew exactly what she was about to say and I knew at that moment that I loved her too. It is a moment that I’ll never forget. But what I realize now is that I loved her before we said it out loud. I had loved her for a long time. But it wasn’t until that exact second, looking into her eyes, that I became aware that it was true.

                You see, falling in love is not something that happens when you say the words. In fact, I’m sure that many of us have told someone we love them when it may not have been true. As you spend time with someone, share life with someone, and get to know someone on a deeper level, you fall in love over a period of time. It is something that changes you. But there is still a moment when you realize it’s true. When you express this feeling with words. Because our relationship with Jesus is just that: a relationship. I speculate that it may work the same way. As you get to know the person of Jesus and build a relationship with Him, that is when you are falling in love. And then there comes a moment when you realize that it’s true. There is a moment when you feel the need to express that love in words. This sparks an interesting question: when did you get saved? Did it happen the moment you prayed a prayer?

                I only ask this question because I want to better understand the transformation that happens in the life of a Christian. Having a relationship with Christ implies that you know Him on some level. So, if you just say a few words but they have no meaning, then it doesn’t seem like love to me. It can’t be a magic spell that grants you admittance into heaven. Salvation is a change in who you are. Actually becoming a new creation. Something different than what you were before. As we get to know Jesus, He changes our hearts in a similar way to when we fall in love. Our priorities begin to change. We begin to care more about someone other than ourselves.

                Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that the moment that you ask Jesus to save you is not important. In fact, it is deeply important. After all, what would it be like if you got married but never told your significant other that you loved them? But I want to believe that salvation is deeper and more special than we may have previously made it out to be. The moment you pray that prayer is when you come to the realization that you are in love with your Creator. It is the moment when you realize that you have been cultivating a deep relationship and that you may in fact be in a place that you didn’t even realize you had reached. You may have fallen in love.


Listen to Chicago by Sufjan Stevens at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azGIf74ICmw